1. If I can see everything except your self esteem then your picture is not social networking site appropriate. Try adultfriendfiner.

2. It is inexcusable not to wear a bra in a photograph seen by everyone you know. Wait. It is inexcusable not to wear a bra. If I have to then you have to.

3. Reverting back to an old picture makes everyone think you’ve eaten yourself ugly.

4. Dudes: If you’re not wearing a shirt in your profile picture then you’re most definitely a tool.

5. The baby picture. A photograph of you as a child wants to say, look how cute and funny I was. But what it really says is it’s all been downhill from here.

Does anyone else remember this masterpiece? I didn’t realize this was Katherine Heigl. I’m going to go ahead and say it’s her best work. I really related to her character pretending to date her own father in order to impress her potential boyfriend. At least that’s what my dad said we were doing.

You guys got anything, cause I got nothing. Anyone want to give me a little truth inspiration?

I’m thankful for family. This is me and my big brother. No, it was not Halloween.

1. Don’t talk about Native Americans. Yes, I know, it’s horrible what we did to them, small pox blankets and all that, but just let me eat my turkey and watch my football in peace.

2. No one really enjoys that parade.

3. I will not play Mahjong. Yes, I’m talking to you mother.

4. All your friends come home from the far off places they live. This gives you the opportunity to talk about boys with people that haven’t heard your shit before. New audience!

5. This is going to be unpopular but, The Peanuts Thanksgiving Special, not funny. Peanuts in general, not funny. Sure, I like their dancing and the music, but I don’t want to see this every year. I want to watch the West Wing episode where CJ has to pick a turkey to pardon. That’s a Thanksgiving episode. You know that or the Bewitched where they go to Salem and Darrin is accused of being a witch.

ugh

1. Guts. Crag…heh.

2. Double Dare. Why yes Mark Summers, I would like a messy physical challenge.

3. Jeopardy. Best game show of all time, but sometimes I just want to punch Alex Trebek. You didn’t know the answer to that question so please don’t look at the contestant like you did. Ken Jennings did not put up with that bullshit. Man, I love Ken Jennings.

4. Win Ben Stein’s Money. Best game show idea of all time. Genius.

5. The celebrity poker kick seems to have finally died down. Just in time for the new show, Celebrity Mahjong Solitaire. Watch celebrities find pairs!

1. There is absolutely no reason to take a temperature rectally. Your mom is a perv.

2. “You are just the pretty girl in the whole world.” NO I’M NOT! I am very far from that. I’m solid 6. If I had had the opportunity to come to terms with that earlier then things might have been different. I could be well on my way to having some guy settle for me by now. BUT NOOOOO. My parents had to give me undeserved self-esteem. Bastards.

3. Eating ice cream before dinner will not spoil your appetite. It will just make you fat. Honesty in this situation might have been more prudent.

4. No one will notice your eye patch. Your hair looks cute cut that short. Orange is your color. Everyone likes Chess. You’ll make new friends.

5. The Tooth Fairy. Terrifying. A small woman comes in to your room while you sleep. Comes close enough to your person to reach under your pillow and take part of your body leaving you a quarter for compensation. Seriously terrifying.

1. I’m hung like a mezzuzah.

2. I’m hung like Christ from the cross. (This is a visual joke as you have to hold your arms out. Girth jokes. heh.)

3. The ladies call me Vishnu, cause I’m good with my hands.

4. I’d like to part you like the Red Sea. (ew)

5. Bring your friend, I’m more man than just you can handle. (get it…morman.)

Not great.

1. I think there’s something really wrong with my penis.

2. You remind me so much of my mother.

3. You’re totally my type. Okay looking with self esteem issues.

4. Has anyone ever told you that you have really symentrical genitalia? (You know what, I take this one back. That’s a nice compliment.)

5. I think I can hear the ocean in here.