January 2009
29 posts
The Truth About Billboards
1. There is a man out there who’s job it is to change the show topic on Oprah’s billboard on the 405. We salute you man who’s job it is to change the show topic on Oprah’s billboard on the 405.
2. It’s always sad when you see a long forgotten billboard. With it’s fraying edges at it’s outdated Tales of Despereaux ad. Coming this Christmas it says, but we...
The Truth About What Women Want
1. One day a Craigslist Missed Connection listing will be about her. Oh the sweet success that comes along with the knowledge that someone out there likes you enough to regret not talking to you. One day….one day.
2. We all wish that it wasn’t so hard to pick the right lady noun. Woman, Lady, Girl, Gal….shit is hard. Everyone of those words evokes a very particular image. Pick...
The Truth About My Cousin Jason and My Best Friend...
1. One might think that the situation would be awkward for my cousin, seeing as he is not really involved and/or aware of the love, but it’s not.
2. Amy is Jewish. Grandma likes that.
3. One might also think that Amy and I would have gotten tired of this joke about five years ago, but again, no.
4. Jason and Amy are not friends on The Facebook. Keeping your relationship off of the...
The Truth About First Impressions
1. Opening with, “Wow, I have a huge erection!” is a great way to get a girl to like you.
2. Women who have bad handshakes are ruining it for the rest of us. Because of your pussy handshake I am forced to deal with men assuming that I too am a bitch whore. If I get one more feather touch handshake I’m going to scream. Screaming is not a great first impression.
3. To make a good...
The Truth About Body Grooming
1. Hey ladies, dying the hair on your arms/upper lip blonde so that it won’t be noticable only make me notice the dyed blonde hair on your arms/upper lip instead of the black hair on your arms.
2. There is absolutely no excuse for body odor. There are so many crazy deodorants. Ones that don’t need a prescription, ones that should need a prescription, ones that actually do need a...
The Truth About Being A Man
1. Fighting. Fighting makes you a man. Starting fights in particular. Do that and girls with like you.
2. The bigger your car/truck, the bigger your penis. Bigger is better so of course you should raise your truck.
3. The ability to open hard to open jars.
4. Being able to talk an extreme amount of shit through an xbox live headset DEFINITELY makes you more manly. It is a documented fact that...
The Truth About Things That Are Always Funny
1. Poop related humor. Actually, all ass related humor.
2. When someone stands up a cat and makes it dance. Well, dancing cats in general are always funny. Even the ones that dance on their own ala MC Scat Kat.
3. Unintentional indecent exposure. Skirt tucked into underwear, nipple slips, the pantsings of middle school physical education. All funny.
4. Fat guys in little shirts.
5. Watching...
The Truth About Nerds
1. The term nerd dates back to Detroit 1951 which of course leads one to the conclusion that Detroit hates all things intellectual.
2. The stereotypical nerd, smart but crazy awkward, is pretty much a kid with Asperger’s. I think it’s a bit fucked up to make fun of him. Shame on you America. Shame.
3. Even nerds have no idea what the hell is happening on most sci-fi television...
The Truth About The President Of The United States
1. Barack Obama and Bill Clinton are tied for number 1 on the scale of Presidential do-ability. They’re followed closely by a one Mr. Millard Fillmore.
2. Most ironic Presidency: William Henry Harrison. WHH served 31 days in office, the shortest presidency ever, but he gave longest Inaugural speech. Dude took two hours. He then got sick and died. Sucks for that guy.
3. Barack Obama’s...
The Truth About Things That Are Scary
1. Snakes. What if there is one in the toilet and not seeing it, you sit down and it bites your lady bits? Don’t pretend you haven’t had this thought.
2. Highly intellegent babies. Those commercials with that baby talking about buying stock make me very uncomfortable. Babies shouldn’t be that smart, it’s unnatural. Babies seem all cute and innocent but when you least...
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The Truth About Words For Vagina
There’s a cunning linguist joke in here somewhere.
1. Cunt. I’m aware that in some circles this is considered an extremely offensive word, but I kind of like it. Now I would never refer to my lady business as such but as an adjective I’m a fan.
2. Twat. Saying this word makes me uncomfortable because of its resemblence to the sound made by flicking your cheek while making an oh...
The Truth About The Nonsensical
1. The Placebo Effect is fucking crazy. Because you believe it will work it works. WHAT?
2. Bad things happening to good people….sigh.
3. That ugly girl with the really amazingly attractive boyfriend who isn’t using her for monetary gain. I’ve heard people try to explain this relationship away with the old adage, looks aren’t everything. This would be wrong. Being pretty...
The Truth About What The World Doesn't Need
1. One doesn’t need knowledge of Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpsons sex life. Yet one has this knowledge.
2. No one needs that many font options. You pretty much only use three of them. Why are there so many. Options lead to the devil. The devil being Comic Sans.
3. Don’t need no hateration, holleration, in this dancery.
4. Windows Vista. Vista would be awesome if I had never used...
The Truth About Overrated Actresses
1. I’ve already made America’s feeling on Nicole Kidman known.
2. Scarlett Johansson. SERIOUSLY? Ok I understand the appeal a great rack better than most people but come on! Great tits only get you so far. Her performance in The Spirit caused everyone who saw it physical pain. If we could only get her to take Woody Allen’s dick out of her mouth we’d have a fighting chance...
The Truth About Embarrassment
1. Spending the weekend with ones family provides one with many moments of embarrassment. Moments such as your Uncle Steven reading your blog out loud to your family. It doesn’t matter if you lie face down on the ground, hearing your Uncle Steven read your blow job jokes out loud to your aunts will make you turn bright red. You will then receive a lecture from the Grandmother that you...
The Truth About Great Inventions
1. On the way to Palm Desert this evening, I spent the car ride (in a Prius mind you) typing facebook wall posts on my qwerty keyboard phone while my mother listened to an audio book on her iPod and my father listened to the Laker game on the radio. Suck on that third world countries.
2. The Shamwow seems like the greatest invention of all time. Those paper towel commercials where the woman...
The Truth About Things That Are Sad
1. Does anyone else find it sad when a television actor leaves a hit tv show with hopes of parlaying their fame into a successful film career only to find that they can’t open a movie and are therefore forced beg the producers to let them come back to the show in a guest star type function? Just me?
2. Chris Kirkpatrick. You gotta feel for the guy. Justin’s a star and is banging the...
I accidently deleted a post. shit. Note to reader. Remember everything I’ve said.
The Truth About Crazy Bitches
1. Ann Coulter. Mother fucker is crazy. Christians are perfected Jews? Take away a women’s right to vote? Your bat shit insane? I don’t think she’s even that pretty. If your going to be an asshole, at least be pretty.
2. Have you ever been at a table having a normal conversation when someone mentions something along the lines of how their mother told them they stopped caring...
The Truth About Moving Back In With Your Parents
1. It’s pretty awesome.
2. Your mother will buy you pillows. Who doesn’t like pillows? I’ll tell you, Nazi’s.
3. Your mother will also make delicious chicken casserole. Something your roommates never did. NEVER.
4. You father will have awkward moments with your male friends when they come to pick you up.
5. Moment to treasure: When your mother finds your bong that is...
The Truth About ....
I sat down, in my bed in long beach, to write tonight. I’ve sat here for about an hour with the browser open to this tumblr text entry page and I’ve got nothing. I keep starting something and then realizing I have nothing to say or it’s to angsty girl and not enough dick jokes. So, dear reader, I implore you to throw me a bone here. Tell me something funny that happened to you....
Welcome To Long Beach
Mom: You really shouldn't talk so much about blow jobs on your blog. People will get the wrong idea.
Me: But if I don't talk about blow jobs people will think I'm a huge whore.
Mom: You should put this on your blog.
“Sara is like pretty for a small town.”
– Amy Presier #1 BFFOTW, bitch whore, and winner of the best quote of 2009.
The Truth About Resolutions
1. I resolve to stop making so many blowjob jokes for they make people think that I really give a ridiculous amount of blow jobs. Like I’m out there blowing every person that walks down the street, when in reality it’s more like 2 out of 3. I should probably cut down on the incest jokes while I’m at it….yeah….jokes.
2. I resolve to lose 600 pounds. Not an...
