September 2009
25 posts
The Truth About Rules To Live By
1. Have a great handshake and don’t be afraid to use it. Don’t do that non-commital wave. Don’t caress their hand. Give them a handshake with a little pressure. NOT TOO MUCH. A handshake that if it could talk would say, “This person is not a pussy!” will do just fine.
2. If you can’t do anything to change the outcome of a situation, move on. Dwelling on it is...
The Truth About Fall
1. The return of television. Just in time too, because I know we all just couldn’t live one more second with the resurgence of Melrose Place.
2. Back to school. Well, you know, not for me. I’m going to continue being a slacker. I’m almost at townie status. Wish me luck.
3. Changing leaves. Yeah okay, that’s nice until they get all up on your car. Get your stank dead ass...
The Truth About Douche Bags
1. Levi Johnston. I’m pretty obsessed with this kid. That article with its secret adoption talk, that mullet, that hockey jersey. LOVE it.
2. Spencer Pratt. Blonde facial hair. That is all.
3. Joe Francis. He’s been staying off the radar for the most part, well if you don’t count the Brody Jenner fight, but dude is pretty douchey. You’ve got to be if your fortune was made...
The Truth About Fear
1. Phobias. I don’t get it. Just get over it. I especially don’t get the clown one. I have friends that have the clown one, but I still don’t understand. It’s a man in makeup, nothing is less scary.
2. If we fear what we don’t understand, then I’m scared of everything.
3. My family moved houses when I was in the 10th grade. Right after we moved I was plagued...
August 2009
18 posts
The Truth About Being Lazy
1. The decision to turn the air conditioning on, in 100 degree weather, involved me thinking about if I was too lazy to go close all the windows.
2. Sometimes I drive the block to Yogurtland.
3. Taking a shower is becoming more and more of a hassle. You have to stand up in there! Then there’s the washing yourself. Especially washing your hair. You have to raise your hands over your head.
...
The Truth About Things To Try
1. Roofies. Come on, you’re not just the tiniest bit curious? I would like to be roofied by a friend and then not taken advantage of. I would like to film it. Is it more The Hangover or 90210 the college years?
2. Viagra. I’d like to see what a four hour erection looks like. You know, I wouldn’t try it. The whole lack of a penis thing is holding me back on that one. But then...
The Truth About Surprises
1. If someone says they have a surprise for you and the surprise turns out to be their penis, you are pretty much always disappointed.
2. “The truth may surprise you.” Remember a couple years back when Oprah did that show about how something like 150% of woman are wearing the wrong size bra? MIND BLOWING!
3. The idea that one can expect a surprise never fails to hurt my head.
4....
The Truth About Things That Are Too Good
1. Cinnamon Rolls. I love cinnamon rolls. I mean I LOVE them. They are my favorite food. If I were dying, I would want a cinnamon roll as my last meal. If I could, I would marry a cinnamon roll and then murder it by eating it and then collect the life insurence. BUT. I cannot eat cinnamon rolls. If I eat a cinnamon roll I will eat a billion cinnamon rolls. I will eat all the cinnamon rolls in the...
The Truth About Things That Will Never Experience...
1. Anne Geddes. Babies dressed like flowers. Yep.
2. Mya. I see what you’re trying to do with the Dancing With The Stars thing, but it’s not going to happen. You will not top Ghetto Superstar.
3. Myspace. I’m sorry Tom, but you’re Friendster.
4. Wearing your clothes backwards. Kriss Kross, I know you’re all that and yes, when they ask do they rock, I say believe...
The Truth About Sounding Like An Idiot
1. Starting an essay with “Webster’s dictionary defines [insert term here] as…”. I speak english thank you.
2. Quoting a book like The Rules or He’s Just Not That Into You. The first rule of self help books is never admitting to reading them. Not that I would know. We’ve all met that girl who says something along the lines of, “The book says I should...
Just what New Orleans needs, a water park →
Does no one else found this funny?
The Truth About Burns
1. Sunburns. The sunburn on my back is peeling in a very Neve Campbell in The Craft kind of way. Take my scars. Mano, take my scars.
2. Burning Man. To each his own, but I don’t think I could hack that. I don’t think I could regularly interact with someone who could hack that. I’m way to cynical for that. Put some clothes on. Also, if life has taught me anything, it’s that...
The Truth About Things That Shouldn't Gross You...
1. Lube. I know for some people this is something they need. I know for some people this is something they enjoy using. But ew. The idea that one day my front parlor won’t be able to lubricate itself makes me very sad and scared. Come one vagina, that’s you’re only job.
2. Hair in the shower drain. It’s just hair, yet somehow seeing it all clumped and wet is super gross.
...
The Truth About Drinking
1. The first sip always goes right to my vagina.
2. Sad drunks. Why do these people keep drinking? Shouldn’t the tears and general hatred of life serve as a sign that you should not drink? The same goes for angry drunks. What the fuck?
3. Shots of rum with a hostess cupcake chaser are not as good as you think they’re going to be.
4. Beer pong is the most embarrassing thing a person...
The Truth About Vacation
I just got back from a week long trip to Bass Lake (near Yosemite). Feeling pretty good.
1. If your skin is the color of a corpse, then you will get sunburnt. NOTE: I am in fact a tan man right now. I am so tan that I’m actually starting to look like a human being and not an extra from Night of The Living Dead.
2. Asking people if they want to be your “lake friend” might lead...
The Truth About Things That Are Not As Good As You...
1. Kid Cuisine. We all have fond memories of one of a string of nannies popping one of these into the microwave while telling your brother to turn the tv down because she was on the phone. We all stood too close to the microwave just waiting for that hot corn. We all dreamed of that mac and cheese. We all loved that penguin and his sweet sweet hot pudding. No food will ever be that good.
2. Ice...
The Truth About Ruining It For The Rest Of Us
1. 90’s Standup comedians have made it impossible to discuss airplane food without sounding like an asshole.
2. The Hitler moustache. Men everywhere lost an entire look, a life choice even, when that asswipe had to go and be a murderous pychopath. Some people just don’t think.
3. Sex and The City made being a giant slut and then telling everyone about it cliche. Ugh.
4. The first...
