November 2009
20 posts
The Truth About OH NO
You guys got anything, cause I got nothing. Anyone want to give me a little truth inspiration?
1 tag
The Truth About Thanksgiving
1. Don’t talk about Native Americans. Yes, I know, it’s horrible what we did to them, small pox blankets and all that, but just let me eat my turkey and watch my football in peace.
2. No one really enjoys that parade.
3. I will not play Mahjong. Yes, I’m talking to you mother.
4. All your friends come home from the far off places they live. This gives you the opportunity to...
Crippled
ugh
The Truth About TV Game Shows
1. Guts. Crag…heh.
2. Double Dare. Why yes Mark Summers, I would like a messy physical challenge.
3. Jeopardy. Best game show of all time, but sometimes I just want to punch Alex Trebek. You didn’t know the answer to that question so please don’t look at the contestant like you did. Ken Jennings did not put up with that bullshit. Man, I love Ken Jennings.
4. Win Ben...
The Truth About Horrible Lies Parents Tell
1. There is absolutely no reason to take a temperature rectally. Your mom is a perv.
2. “You are just the pretty girl in the whole world.” NO I’M NOT! I am very far from that. I’m solid 6. If I had had the opportunity to come to terms with that earlier then things might have been different. I could be well on my way to having some guy settle for me by now. BUT NOOOOO. My...
The Truth About Dirty Religious Pick Up Lines
1. I’m hung like a mezzuzah.
2. I’m hung like Christ from the cross. (This is a visual joke as you have to hold your arms out. Girth jokes. heh.)
3. The ladies call me Vishnu, cause I’m good with my hands.
4. I’d like to part you like the Red Sea. (ew)
5. Bring your friend, I’m more man than just you can handle. (get it…morman.)
Not great.
The Truth About Things Men Should Never Say To A...
1. I think there’s something really wrong with my penis.
2. You remind me so much of my mother.
3. You’re totally my type. Okay looking with self esteem issues.
4. Has anyone ever told you that you have really symentrical genitalia? (You know what, I take this one back. That’s a nice compliment.)
5. I think I can hear the ocean in here.
The Truth About Living In A Recession
1. Drink enough so that you wake up drunk the next morning. That’s two days of drunk for the price of one.
2. Gift giving is especially hard during a recession. You don’t have any money! But you do have your sexuality. So give yourself in lingerie. It seems to work in the movies. Birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Flag Day, Bar Mitzvah’s, Inaugurations, its the perfect year round...
NOTE
Someone found this blog by searching “cool disgusting things you can do with your body”. I have never been so proud.
The Truth About The Cool Guy Of Your Youth
1. Supposedly got a blow job in a movie theater.
2. Bought his girlfriend a dress from Windsor for her 13 birthday.
3. Shorts so long they are edging toward pants.
4. Spiky hair.
5. Always won on run day.
The Truth About The Cool Girl Of Your Youth
1. Shaved her legs in middle school.
2. Body Glitter.
3. Understood the references in Clueless.
4. Looked good in navy blue Dickies.
5. Perfect ponytail.
The Truth About Clubs
1. http://thebeardclub.com/ I’ve dated enough gay guys to join this.
2. Le Deux. For my BFF Amy’s birthday 2 years ago we went to Le Deux. Le Deux, for those of you that don’t watch horribly television, is the club they’re always going to on The Hills. So Amy and I show up at her sisters house wearing dresses, tights, and flats. Amy’s sister is in heels, jeans and a...
The Truth About Unearned Self Confidence
1. If a guy isn’t in to, this (body sweeping hand movement), then I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
2. I own at least 4 berets, so I know what’s cool.
3. Yeah, I could have been a model if I was taller.
4. This one time, John Travolta told me I was very pretty.
5. The internet is so excited to have me post anything that it doesn’t care if it’s half assed and...
The Truth About Coming To Terms With Your Looks
1. You’re kind of a hipster. You don’t really want to admit that, but you are. You’re such a hipster that your dick has a beard, a Pabst tattoo and a plaid shirt.
2. This one is just me, but I look like a bit like Bette Midler, you know if Bette Midler looked like she was a huge cunt.
3. You probably shouldn’t wear super skinny jeans. Sure, they’re in style, but you...
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It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia never fails to make me laugh out loud, even when I’m by myself. That’s super crazy impressive. I find nothing funny when I’m by myself.
The Truth About Things One Shouldn't Have To Pay...
1. ATM fees. This machine is there to give me access to my money. You want me to pay you to let me have my own money. That is insane. INSANE. Hurts my heart.
2. Pens. I’m going to steal these from the bank in order to make up for some of those ATM fees.
3. Tipping at Yogurtland. The employee didn’t do anything. I created this taste explosion. I should tip myself. Oh and I did, with a...
The Truth About Movies Your Life Should Emulate
1. Valley Of The Dolls. You’d always be in full hair and make up. You would have a pill addiction. You could yell NUDIES and FAGGOT a lot more often then you do now. There would be cat fights, affairs, and back stabbing with a Dionne Warwich soundtrack. We all just want to be Neely O’hara. Who, by the way, is Sean “Rudy Sam Gamgee” Astin’s mother. So there’s...
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/mis/1449151875... →
It’s nice when someone is looking for you.
