May 2009
33 posts
Seriously. →
Turns out romance isn’t dead after all.
The Truth About Clothing That Lowers Your IQ
1. Anything that says the word Porn Star on it. You are not a porn star. Not only does this item of clothing make you seem stupid, it makes you a liar.
2. That dress girls wear in Vegas. You know the one. Its got a very form fitting 6 inch band around the ass then then kind of loosens up as we move up. It’s very low cut and drapey. You know that dress. Well, I’m sorry to say this, but...
The Truth About ...
Shit’s weak…Shit’s week?
The Truth About Things That Shouldn't Be Possible
1. Skunk Smell. How can that much smell come from such a little animal? Also all skunks are sexual predators. No means no Mr. LePew!
2. Vaginal Birth. I don’t know about your vagina, but there is no way you could get a baby out of mine. This fact leads me to believe that vaginal births don’t in fact exist and furthermore are an elaborate ruse in order to keep the population down....
The Truth About ...
Seriously dude…..
The Truth About My Generation
1. Men are no longer men. You either get your metrosexual or your pig. The guy is either wearing pink button down shirts that have screen prints of eagles on them or peeing outside, when a bathroom is readily accessible, just because he can.
2. The art of conversation is dead. We can only communicate through text messages and the Internet. In fact if you saw me in public I would not be able to...
The Truth About Stupid Rules
1. One is not supposed to capitalize prepositions in titles. As you might have noticed I capitalize anyway. It gives more of a punch, oh and it’s stupid not to.
2. Pretty much all airline rules. I understand it’s for safety, but really is my shampoo really going to fuck your shit up that bad. I always feel better with clean hair, maybe the terrorists will too. Oh shit, I just solved...
The Truth About What I Learned On Television Today
1. Amy Sedaris’ voice almost makes me want to get my haircut at Supercuts…..almost.
2. Alex Trebek is kind of a dick. He was amazed when a female contestant came back from being in the red to almost win, losing by $2. He was incredibly patronizing. Kinda hot.
3. Oprah loves Skype. I mean she loves it. She’ll talk to anyone. Do you want to sketch her portrait while she’s...
The Truth About Craigslist
1. It’s comforting to know that if I ever find themselves in a real financial pickle I can find a guy willing to pay me for pictures of my feet.
2. FREE BEES! Are you like me? Do you wish you had a football sized cluster of bees but you just don’t want to pay for them? Check out the free section of Craigslist! I FUCKING LOVE BEES!
3. You can barter electronics for Xanax. Don’t...
The Truth About American Idol
1. Queen Latifah and Kate Gosslin have the same haircut.
2. Kara Dioguardi’s calling everyone sweetie makes me incredibly angry. I hate that annoying girl shit. “Oh hey sweetie, over here sweetie, sweetie sweetie sweetie.” The only people that can call me sweetie are my mother, aunts and grandmother and even then I won’t like it.
3. Do you think that Fergie wore leather...
The Truth About Thanks
1. Thank you T.I. Thank you for showing me that maybe I don’t need a machine gun to protect my family.
2. Thank you Paris Hilton. Thank you for teaching me to never do anything sexual on or in front of a camera. Thank you for teaching me the correct way to exit a car. Thank you for reminding me to wear underwear. Thank you for showing me that lip injections are not a good idea.
3....
The Truth About Your Underwear
1. Thongs. What is sexy about a piece of fabric up a ladies ass. Don’t get me wrong, I wear them from time to time when the outfit I’m wearing calls for it, but not all the time. Most of the time I don’t like things up my ass….oh come on I set you up for that one readers!
2. Boxer Briefs. Why don’t all men wear these yet. It’s the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus of...
The Truth About Romance
1. Discovering a Craigslists Missed Connection about yourself. Oh man that would be sweet. Even if the person turns out to be a creeper, it’s still web 2.0’s most romantic gesture.
2. I have a window seat in my room. All I want is for someone to throw pebbles at the window to get my attention. BUT NO! Everyone has to have cell phones thus horrifically murdering this practice.
3....
The Truth About Deperate Attempts Not To Think Of...
Is there anything you, dear reader, would like to know the truth about?
The Truth About The Hard Questions
1. People tend to subconsciously be attracted to people that look like them. So, believing that this is true, if you were gay and cloning was available, would you get together with your clone? It would be a May/December romance (clones don’t just pop out at the age you are now). But, you couldn’t have children because of the whole gay thing so the whole incest thing isn’t AS bad...
The Truth About Things That Should Stay In The...
1. Jelly sandals. You remember their bright colors and cute cuts. What you don’t remember is the foot sweat. The horrible horrible foot sweat that only comes with wearing plastic on your feet. Back to the depths of hell Jellies.
2. That guy who used to send you dirty text messages. You met him at a coffee shop and you flirted a bit. Went on one kind of date during which he told you he had a...
The Truth About Things That Are Oddly Satisfying
1. Blowing your nose in the shower. I mean really blowing your nose. The blow goes on forever and then your hand is cupping a mucus glob the size of a golf ball. Then the water just washes it away. Like it never happened. It’s good.
2. Singing the harmony. We all have a pile of songs we know so well that we’ve created an intricate harmony for them that we sing when we’re alone...
The Truth About This Summer
1. It’s going to be the best one ever.
That's Great Television
Dr. Chang: When were you born?
Hurley: 1931.
Dr. Chang: You're 46?
Hurley: Yeah.
Dr. Chang: So you fought in the Korean War?
Hurley: There's no such thing.
[Pause]
Dr. Chang: Who's the president of the United States?
[Pause]
Hurley: Okay, dude. We're from the future.
via fuckyeahlost
Tumblarity
I did not see the word Popularity in there, went straight to Hilarity. I thought they were going to rate my jokes. I got nervous.
The Truth About Great Parking Experiences
1. Pulling into a spot and discovering that there is enough time left on the meter for you to do what you have to do. Not having to scrounge up change is a delight.
2. When there is no car in front of you in the lot and you can pull through to exit.
3. The perfect parallel park on the first try. Just slipping right into a spot. It’s especially great when someone else is in the car with you...
The Truth About Errant Thoughts One Probably...
1. A porn called DoppelGangBang. Basically a girl is gang banged by a bunch of guys that look alike. You know, same haircut, same clothes, same general look. Except, of course, one is a midget, a few are ethnic, etc.
2. We’ve all watched enough shows like Law and Order and CSI to get away with a horrific murder. It’s all about the bleach. Oh and always wear a condom. Premeditation is...
The Truth About Things That Are Harder To Do Than...
1. Anorexia. Not eating is hard! Especially when food is so delicious and abundant. Well done skinny, well done.
2. Hair flipping. According to television the hair flip is the most boner inducing of the moves a woman has at her disposal. The perfect hair flip is hard to perform. There is a very thin line between Kelly Kapowski Saved By the Bell summer at the beach club and Jesse Spano the...
The Truth About Choosing Sides
1. Zombie Attacks. I’m going to go ahead and say let them bite. The pain of that is nothing compared to the pain of being on the losing side. Humanity will fall. Zombies will live on until the end of the food source, at which time they will die of starvation. But, that won’t be for a while. There are a lot of people on the planet and zombies are great swimmers.
2. The Civil War. It...
The Truth About Imitation
1. Caffeine Free Diet Coke. With it’s stupid gold can and it’s slight taste of suck, Caffeine Free Diet Coke is nowhere near reaching the sweet sweet essence of life that is Diet Coke. I see you there too Coke Zero. I won’t further call you out because my father loves you so much.
2. Impressionists. I get it, Christopher Walken sounds funny.
3. Turkey bacon is looking mighty...
