June 2009
30 posts
The Truth About Things That Sound Dirty
1. One in the hand is worth two in the bush.
2. Uranus.
3. Entry level position.
4. The penal code.
5. My inbox is full.
heh.
The Truth About The Inferior
1. Nonidentical twins. You’re doing it wrong. If you’re going to be twins, be twins. Fraternal twins are really just siblings. Twins are exactly alike. That’s the point.
2. Ciara. You are not Aaliyah. Get some creepy baby voices in your songs and then we’ll talk. stop flying for fear of Final Destination crap and then we’ll talk.
3. Left handed people. They know...
The Truth About Things That Are Surprising
1. The number of couples from your high school class that are still together. It seems like a lot doesn’t it? When you hear about a married couple that were high school sweethearts it’s an oh wow, that’s amazing moment. So, how can all of these couples from your high school class still be together/engaged?
2. The amount of phlegm your body can produce when you are sick. Where...
The Truth About What Men Should Never Do
1. Never be afraid to order a, so called, girlie drink. Those things are delicious. Why shouldn’t you be able to enjoy something fruity? Fruit is good for you.
2. Wear a tank top. Seriously dude. No tank tops. I know it’s hot, but come on. The wife beater doesn’t exactly drum up the best mental image. So just quit it. This is not a rerun of The OC.
3. Never tell a woman she...
The Truth About Father's Day
1. Shouldn’t it be Fathers’ Day? Although it should be, the day is not entirely about my dad. So, it shouldn’t be a singular possessive. Does that not bother anyone else?
2. Greatest practical joke: Surprise! Happy Father’s Day!
3. Male bears tend to hit it then quit it, even going as far as to try to kill and sometimes eat their offspring. I’ve read the Little Bear...
OPEN MIC: CHLOE SEVIGNY = ELAINE BENES 2K9 →
interweber:
I just realized Chloe Sevigny’s style is virtually indistinguishable from Elaine’s.
The Truth About Success One Has To Admire
1. Tyra Banks. She got paid for looking pretty. Then she got paid for judging other peoples ability to look pretty. Then she sold the rights to judge other peoples ability to look pretty to other countries. Then she launched a talk show in which she talks about what you should do to look pretty inside and out. If Tyra can do it, then so can America.
2. Paris Hilton. You don’t have to like...
The Truth About Self Truths
1. If anyone I know becomes famous then I am going to be the person that sells stories about them to the tabloids. I am not a good friend to have for I will tell people about that time you peed your pants when drunk and the time you did drugs at a choir retreat. Don’t worry too much, I can be bought.
2. I fucking love McDonalds. I know I’m not supposed to anymore with the whole Super...
The Truth About Having Already Written Everything
It wasn’t very smart of me to have been so clever up front. Now i’m grasping for straws. What do I do now?
The Truth About Movies I Wish I Was Watching Right...
1. D.A.R.Y.L. Robots, children, baseball, the kid from Cacoon, and above all love. What’s not to like?
2. Revenge of The Nerds. Am I right ladies?
3. Waiting For Guffman. Spinal Tap was on Conan the other night and made me start jonesing hard for some Guffman. Funnier with every viewing
4. Dave. Yes, I mean the presidential doppelganger rom com. The everyman taking on the corrupt...
The Truth About Something Being Off
1. That really, and I mean REALLY attractive dude being into you. Please don’t mistake me, this is not a self-esteem issue. I know I’m a pretty pretty girl, but I’m aware that I’m at best, seriously at best, a 7 and most of that is tits. So when a super good looking dude, and I mean super, is into me I get nervous and self-conscious. There is most definitely something wrong...
The Truth About Road Trips With Your Family
1. Fall asleep early and often. This is your only defence against the so what are you going to do with your life’s.
2. Have your sibling be out of the country thus giving you optimum back seat stretch out space. You might miss your brother but not nearly as much as you’ll relish the extra space.
3. Books on tape! Less talking more listening to some dude telling you a story. We all...
The Truth About Things I Should Like, But Don't
1. Art. I know. That’s awful. But seriously. I don’t really like looking at paintings and shit. Sure, if a super sweet exhibit that I’m super crazy interested in comes along, I’m all in. But, if I’m just sitting around bored, my first thought is not why not go to the museum and check out some art. Pretty pictures are great and all, but I’d rather watch something...
The Truth About The Job Search
Would anyone like to pay me to do anything?
The Truth About The Finals
1. Dwight Howards arms. Holy shit those things are pretty. I’m not even a big muscle fan but dammmmnnnnn.
2. Kobe Bryant is so good at basketball! Basketball and getting away with rape. Both things I’m looking for in a man. Hey Kobe, call me. (half kidding)
3. Stop trying to get me to watch Wipeout. It’s not going to happen.
4. We miss you Chick Hearn.
5. GO LAKERS! I say...
The Truth About Vacation
1. Why yes I would like to eat three times more than I usually do at every meal. I would like to do this around five times a day. Kay, thanks.
2. Vacations are tiring. Even the ones where you don’t do anything at all. Make sure your hotel room has curtains that block the cursed cursed sun.
3. If possible travel with someone who won’t make fun of your need to go get a diet coke at...
The Truth About Dudes It Would Be Uncomfortable To...
1. Terry Richardson. You’d have to see your brother/uncle/cousin/dad or whatever constantly coming on chicks…artfully of course.
2. Dov Charney. Remember that Jane article? What if you had to see that guy at the family reunion? Then again, think of the free sweatshop free clothing. mmm
3. Joe Francis. The guy has 3 sisters. How sad for them.
4. Hugh Hefner. His daughter was the CEO...
The Truth About What Made My Day
According to my internet spying software, someone just found this blog by searching “Kelly Kapowski’s hair flip”. Nice.
The Truth About Qualifications
1. Dr. Drew. I understand that the guy is a certified addiction doctor or whatever and is qualified to help people with their addictions. What I don’t understand is how and why he’s trying to do this through the media to/for people he’s never met. For example he recently started saying shit about what Lindsay Lohan needs to do to better her life. How can he possible know what her...
The Truth About NBC News
Did anyone watch the NBC News Inside The Obama White House thing last night? Can we talk about the soundtrack. They played Peter, Bjorn and John, The Ting Tings, Eve, Kid Cudi, and mother fucking Jay-Z. Really NBC? This is how you’re trying to show America how hip the Obama white house is. Did anyone else think the soundtrack was weird?
“This is crazy bro.”
– Carson Daly
The Truth About Me
I watched Silence of The Lambs today. I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I would like to walk down the aisle at my wedding to the song Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus. And yes, I will tuck.
The Truth About The Afterlife
1. I hope it’s exactly like the movie Defending Your Life. I’ll, of course, be in the Meryl Streep role and will totes love Albert Brooks. Swoon. I really do love that man. Oh and think of the food! mmm pounds of pasta.
2. At my funeral I want to be lowered into the ground as the song Rock Lobster by the B-52s plays. “DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN,….”
3. I really hope the...
The Truth About An Opener
1. Sentences that start with “The truth is…” never end well. It’s always the truth is I was born a woman or the truth is I was dating my adopted sister or the truth is I’m a vegetarian.
2. Concerts. Oh man when an opening band sucks it totally just ruins the mood of a concert. You end up not enjoying the headliner as much. That’s bad, but the opener being...
