July 2009
13 posts
The Truth About Mirrors
1. Sitting, facing someone when there is a mirror behind them is the hardest thing to do. You will stare at yourself. You will stare at yourself so much that you will have a hard time paying attention to the conversation you are/should be having. Whether or not you are a vain person plays no part in this. You will stare at your beauty.
2. If you have to reapply lip gloss or foundation or whatever...
The Truth About Birthdays
1.Go to the beach. It’s more fun then you remember. AND if you are extremely anal about putting on your 70 spf you can remain unburned. Or in my case, you can remain sickly sickly white.
2. If possible do karaoke. Singing is the best way to remind people of how great you are. Personally I suggest rapping Jump by Kriss Kross.
3. Invite your parents. Watching your dad jump while you rap is...
The Truth About Ugh
Ugh. You guys got any ideas?
The Truth About Things That Are Always A Bad Idea
1. Face Tattoos. You don’t mess with the face. If national treasure Mike Tyson can’t pull it of with out looking like a rapist then there is no hope for you.
2. Jean shorts on a dude. There are basically two variations of the man jean short. You’re never nude cut offs and your too long mid calf gangsta can’t even be called a short short. I know you’re thinking what...
The Truth About Wants One Won't Articulate
1. I want to take things slow emotionally but fast physically.
2. I want to punch you so hard in the vagina that your grand-daughters have miscarriages.
3. I want to be a competetive eater.
4. I want you to stop everything you’re doing an pay attention to me. Only me. Also, tell me i’m pretty and funny. In that order.
5. I want it to be acceptable to wear shorts everywhere.
The Truth About Assumption
1. When you assume you make an ass out of you and me. The guy that came up with that is a genius. Seriously, did that just occur to someone while sitting on the toilet? Because it’s genius!
2. People tend to assume that a woman with large breasts are stupid and easy. They are half correct.
3. “I know what’s best for you.” Nope, I’m pretty sure you don’t. I...
The Truth About Heat
1. People that would rather be hot than cold are assholes. It has something to do with love of tank tops.
2. Remember when Martin Lawrence had heat stroke from jogging in the summer while wearing a ridiculous number of layers? Yeah me too.
3. People don’t like when you refer to the weather as being so hot a baby could die in a car.
4. Hey nature, night time is not supposed to be hot. The...
The Truth About Hiatus
1. Whitney Houston. She’s back! As much as I’m mildly excited to see her back, part of me is going to miss Bobby Brown, can’t poop, crack is whack, sunglasses, Whitney.
2. Taking a break from a relationship. This does not work. You are broken up. Stop deluding yourself.
3. Project Runway. I’m more than slightly embarrassed to admit how much I like/miss this show. Return...
The Truth About Ideas One Should Not Follow...
1. “Man, I think I’m just going to move to the middle of the country somewhere. Get away from all of this.” For as long as there have been coasts, people have been moving from the middle of places to them. All of those people can’t be wrong. It’s my understanding that the middle of the country is a nice place to visit, but one wouldn’t want to live there.
2....
The Truth About Not Fooling Anyone
1. You didn’t know there had been a call/text. Bullshit. Everyone is constantly checking their phones. Everyone always has their phone with them if not on their person. Not answering is just that, not answering. It is a conscious decision. We all do it so just stop pretending.
2. Lady Gaga. What is the draw there? The music is second rate euro pop. She looks like half of Jewish Orange...
The Truth About What I Need For The Summer →
I sure hope this works.
The Truth About Babies
1. Their poop is a different color. Ew. Why does no one tell you that?
2. The stork. What a horrific myth to spread. The very idea of a bird carrying you in a nap sack to your parents sickens me. Birds are disgusting animals. Think about how much they use their mouths. THEN, a nap sack, really? How is that safe? I’ll tell you, it’s not. If you’re going to lie to your children to...
