September 2009
25 posts
The Truth About Things That Are Creepy In...
1. Those college guys who hung out with you and dated your friends when you were 16.
2. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. What is that child catcher planning on doing to those children?
3. The amount of chest hair exposed by your 8th grade history teacher.
4. The sexual tension between Luke and Leia before they find out their brother and sister. Is there something you’d like to tell us Mr. Lucas?
...
The Truth About Ghosts
1. If you tell me you believe in ghosts I’m going to assume you’re stupid. It will then be your job to convince me you’re not retarded. Lots of smart people believe in ghosts. I’m just saying you’re starting with a deficit.
2. Patrick Swayze’s dead. He was in the movie Ghost. Joke joke joke. Ok, that’s done.
3. Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jaime Kennedy,...
The Truth About Yom Kippur
1. I’m sorry.
2. I’m sorry.
3. I’m sorry.
4. I’m hungry.
5. I’m sorry.
The Truth About Smells
1. If you’re going to eat garlic, then you’re going to smell like garlic forever more.
2. The smell of Salisbury Steak will remind you of your horrifically scarring elementary school experiences. You will tear up a little at first sniff.
3. Candles. If you bought it in a place that exclusively sells candles, then its smell is too strong.
4. Vomit. The scent of your stomach lining...
The Truth About Things People Say That Make You...
Thanks to a one Ms. Amy Preiser BFF extraordinaire for the idea and the first truth. Also thanks for saying, “you do the rest of the work, I’m not being paid to write your blog. though I’m open. what rates will you offer?”
1. “I’m not a guuuuy!” whenever included in a group of people, addressed as guys as in “Hey guys.”
2. “That’s...
The Truth About Stupid Girl Stuff
1. Shopping. How is this fun? Sure, clothing is fun. New clothing is even more fun. BUT trying stuff on? Ew.
2. Bleeding. Stupid puberty.
3. Brushing your hair. It’s so knotty and hard to do. I just don’t do it.
4. Asshole guys. He only hits me because he loves me.
5. The Jonas Brothers. This is awful music. That being said, I’d hit it. Except the legal one. Ew.
The Truth About Things They Don't Tell You
1. When you have long hair you will think you are going bald every time you take a shower. Most people are used to having horrific amounts of pubic hair clotting their drain, but with long hair you add long flaming red hair as well.
2. Guys today have unnaturally high self-esteem. Seriously. All of them. How did they get it in their heads that they’re all Vince from Entourage?
3. You will...
A Love Story →
The Truth About Jewish New Year
1. It’s kinda like secular new year but with better food and less fun.
The Truth About Stupid Interests
1. Type face. Shut up about Helvetica already. Stop telling me that Comic Sans was created by the devil. I know the devil and he has much more important things to do than create fonts. Things like preparing for his upcoming three episode arc on 90210.
2. Jam bands. When one hears a song they like one might wish it would go on longer, but the song should not go on for an hour. That’s just...
The Truth About Oh No
I wrote a post about farms and somehow it got deleted before I could post it. Normally I would be upset and frustrated, but it wasn’t that good of a post. Farms? Really. More like The Truth About No One Caring. Anyone have any truths they want told in what will most likely turn out to be a five part dick joke?
http://www.milanoo.com/Green-Man-Zentai-Suit-p2917.... →
Speaking of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, I’m thinking I might have found my Halloween costume!
The Truth About Double Standards
1. A lady must always wear a shirt outside. Dudes can do it. Why can’t the ladies? Personally I wouldn’t because of the sheer size of the twin towers, but I would like the option none the less.
2. Apparently Casey Wilson was fired from SNL for being fat. All the blogs have been saying this is wrong because ol’ Goodburger Thompson is fat and he’s still on the show. What the...
The Truth About The End Of Summer
1. Ugh, the end of summer means the end of fun. Now I’m going to have to do my binge drinking and karaoke in a sweater. Not cool.
2. The Lyte Funky Ones (LFO) like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch. When does one wear Abercrombie and Fitch? The Summer! In the summertime girls got it going on, Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song. Summertime girls are the kind LFO like, LFO’ll steal...
The Truth About A Pity Party
1. My last post. Sorry bout that. But I was serious about the friendship!
We will now return to the usual programing of dick jokes, incest references, and calling people dumb.
The Truth About Entering A Horrific Depression
1. Sup guys?
2. Pre-partum depression. Yeah, I’m not pregnant, BUT, i’m really sad that i’m not.
3. Your therapist won’t return your appointment calls. SAD.
4. When you hang out with some friends you haven’t seen for a while and every one is going around saying what they’re up to, when they get to you, you will say thinking about binge drinking but with...
The Truth About Things You Really Shouldn't Do
1. Don’t tell me how many months old your baby is. Don’t give me 25 months old. The kid is two. Just tell me it’s two
2. Don’t complain about my ordering. I like things the way I like them.
3. Don’t let social networking sites overtake the internet. The internet is and will always be exclusively for pornography and pictures of cats with writing on them.
4....
The Truth About Rules To Live By
1. Have a great handshake and don’t be afraid to use it. Don’t do that non-commital wave. Don’t caress their hand. Give them a handshake with a little pressure. NOT TOO MUCH. A handshake that if it could talk would say, “This person is not a pussy!” will do just fine.
2. If you can’t do anything to change the outcome of a situation, move on. Dwelling on it is...
The Truth About Fall
1. The return of television. Just in time too, because I know we all just couldn’t live one more second with the resurgence of Melrose Place.
2. Back to school. Well, you know, not for me. I’m going to continue being a slacker. I’m almost at townie status. Wish me luck.
3. Changing leaves. Yeah okay, that’s nice until they get all up on your car. Get your stank dead ass...
The Truth About Douche Bags
1. Levi Johnston. I’m pretty obsessed with this kid. That article with its secret adoption talk, that mullet, that hockey jersey. LOVE it.
2. Spencer Pratt. Blonde facial hair. That is all.
3. Joe Francis. He’s been staying off the radar for the most part, well if you don’t count the Brody Jenner fight, but dude is pretty douchey. You’ve got to be if your fortune was made...
The Truth About Fear
1. Phobias. I don’t get it. Just get over it. I especially don’t get the clown one. I have friends that have the clown one, but I still don’t understand. It’s a man in makeup, nothing is less scary.
2. If we fear what we don’t understand, then I’m scared of everything.
3. My family moved houses when I was in the 10th grade. Right after we moved I was plagued...
